June 18, 2023

Today is a double-whammy of grief…anger, denial. What are the other stages of grief? Oh, yeah, bargaining and depression. Acceptance. Add those in, too.

It’s Father’s Day, and it’s my dad’s sixth heavenly Father’s Day. He’s fading away from my memory, which pains me when I dwell on it. His voice is too distant now. But the hole in my heart feels smaller when I catch myself or my brother chuckling like he did. Or when I find myself making a beeline to a clearance section at any type of store. I’m always looking for bargains, just like you, Dad!

I know he’s always with us, but I don’t talk to him as much as I used to. The first few years after he died, I wrote to him at most holidays and milestones that he missed. I still think of him at these times, but I’m having fewer and fewer one-sided conversations. I’ve definitely accepted his death by now, and the grief is more obtuse than acute. But it’s ever-present.

Today is also the third anniversary of our friend Patricia’s death from COVID, and I am still almost blind with rage about it. She died three months into the pandemic…six months before the first vaccination was given in the US.

I was especially triggered by her death, and by many people’s COVID deaths, because she died without family and friends at her side, just like my dad. He died in bed and we didn’t find out until days later. We don’t know the exact day that he died. With Patricia, we had to wait three weeks for her to die. After she suffered multiple strokes, her family decided to take her off life support. And we waited—for weeks, because she was a healthy 50-something before contracting COVID.

I could go on and on about COVID, because I feel the weight of the other millions of Americans who are grieving loved ones who died from COVID—not to mention the weight of the millions of Americans who are suffering from long COVID. I have accepted Patricia’s death at this point, but I am still angry that the government failed so many of us. I will always be angry and will stay involved in activism, in Patricia’s name.

All this to say, Happy Father’s Day to those who celebrate. To those whose fathers have died or have been absent or abusive, take care of yourself today. To those whose lives haven’t been shattered or upended by COVID, be grateful. To those whose lives have been forever changed because of COVID, I see you and send you strength.